Legend Of Cheeto Burrito

by Pandur Vurbrasthuns

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This is a story about the need for intelligent analysis. The story is about an introverted linguist who is mysteriously connected to a king. It takes place in a swamp fiefdom. The story begins with a compromise and ends with the revelation of a dark secret.
It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Nickki Goof, woke up in a haunted thicket. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling abnormally stunned, Nickki Goof stroked a ninja star, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Just as zero people expected she realized that her beloved Cheeto Burrito was missing! Immediately she called her so-called buddy, Amazing Panda Plumber. Nickki Goof had known Amazing Panda Plumber for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were enchanting ones. Amazing Panda Plumber was unique. He was charismatic though sometimes a little... oafish. Nickki Goof called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Amazing Panda Plumber picked up to a very unctuous Nickki Goof. Amazing Panda Plumber calmly assured her that most Indonesian devil cats grimace before mating, yet spotted wolf hamsters usually scandalously grimace *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Nickki Goof. Why was Amazing Panda Plumber trying to distract Nickki Goof? Because he had snuck out from Nickki Goof's with the Cheeto Burrito only five days prior. It was a saucy little Cheeto Burrito... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Nickki Goof got back to the subject at hand: her Cheeto Burrito. Amazing Panda Plumber panicked. Relunctantly, Amazing Panda Plumber invited her over, assuring her they'd find the Cheeto Burrito. Nickki Goof grabbed her rhinocerus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Amazing Panda Plumber realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Cheeto Burrito and he had to do it aptly. He figured that if Nickki Goof took the spaceship, he had take at least eleven minutes before Nickki Goof would get there. But if she took the Safari Death Cab Zombie Destroyer? Then Amazing Panda Plumber would be scarcely screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Amazing Panda Plumber was interrupted by two pestering Gnarwhals that were lured by his Cheeto Burrito. Amazing Panda Plumber shuddered; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling frustrated, he thoughtfully reached for his live hand grenade and randomly deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Safari Death Cab Zombie Destroyer rolling up. It was Nickki Goof.


As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at Jim's House of Wings to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so she knew she was running late. With a deft leap, Nickki Goof was out of the Safari Death Cab Zombie Destroyer and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Amazing Panda Plumber's front door. Meanwhile inside, Amazing Panda Plumber was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Cheeto Burrito into a box of dull pencils and then slid the box behind his elephant. Amazing Panda Plumber was concerned but at least the Cheeto Burrito was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Amazing Panda Plumber wildly purred. With a calculated push, Nickki Goof opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some clueless rationality-deprived retard in a best-in-its-so-called-'class' sedan,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Amazing Panda Plumber assured her. Nickki Goof took a seat mysteriously distant from where Amazing Panda Plumber had hidden the Cheeto Burrito. Amazing Panda Plumber grimaced trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Nickki Goof was distracted. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, Amazing Panda Plumber noticed a funny-smelling look on Nickki Goof's face. Nickki Goof slowly opened her mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Amazing Panda Plumber felt a stabbing pain in his kidney when Nickki Goof asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Cheeto Burrito right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A annoying look started to form on Nickki Goof's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's gerbils from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Nickki Goof nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Amazing Panda Plumber could react, Nickki Goof randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Cheeto Burrito was plainly in view.

Nickki Goof stared at Amazing Panda Plumber for what what must've been nine nanoseconds. Just as zero people expected Amazing Panda Plumber groped indiscriminately in Nickki Goof's direction, clearly desperate. Nickki Goof grabbed the Cheeto Burrito and bolted for the door. It was locked. Amazing Panda Plumber let out a striking chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Nickki Goof,' he rebuked. Amazing Panda Plumber always had been a little pestering, so Nickki Goof knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Amazing Panda Plumber did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at him or something. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, she gripped her Cheeto Burrito tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Amazing Panda Plumber looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Nickki Goof. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Nickki Goof. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Amazing Panda Plumber walked over to the window and looked down. Nickki Goof was gone.


Just yonder, Nickki Goof was struggling to make her way through the bush behind Amazing Panda Plumber's place. Nickki Goof had severely hurt her prostate during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Gnarwhals suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Cheeto Burrito. One by one they latched on to Nickki Goof. Already weakened from her injury, Nickki Goof yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Gnarwhals running off with her Cheeto Burrito.

But then God came down with His charismatic smile and restored Nickki Goof's Cheeto Burrito. Feeling frustrated, God smote the Gnarwhals for their injustice. Then He got in His hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle and sputtered away with the fortitude of 1.2 billion legless puppies running from a oversized pack of disease-carrying chipmunks. Nickki Goof stumbled with joy when she saw this. Her Cheeto Burrito was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in nine minutes her favorite TV show, Rugrats, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When venomous koalas meet malaria'). Nickki Goof was thrilled. And so, everyone except Amazing Panda Plumber and a few unborn fetus-toting long-haired sea monkeys lived blissfully happy, forever after.


released June 4, 2012



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Panda Vibrations, CharizardOysterSauce, Jolfawnzo1, A Creature with many names, making lots of things. Creations so obscure with spacey atmospheres, he's known usually a maker of ambient music, but that is just a label.

He's bustin' out jams that are experimental, rap, lo-fi, freaky, fartcore, mangostep, teckno, crazyshit, all that and even more.

Look quit fuckin' around and check this fool out&
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